Even though we all hope our marriage will last forever, according to Statistics NZ, for every five couples that marry each year, around two others call it quits in divorce.
“Tough spots will always occur – one partner might get sick, get the sack, or need to attend to a dying parent,” says psychologist Meredith Fuller, explaining that every union will go through happy and hard times. A long-lasting marriage needs commitment, good communication and a good dose of love and affection. Try these seven tips for a happy marriage:
Create your own rituals
It could be as simple as making your partner a coffee in the morning while they let you lie in at the weekend. Whatever you choose, a ‘couples’ ritual is a way to connect with your partner in the madness of a busy life. “The comfort of little rituals are trust giving, safety maintaining, and love enhancing – these things help us get through the day in the outside world,” says Meredith. “If your partner says they love you and demonstrates that with consistent gestures, you can believe it.”
Learn to communicate
If you or your partner is a poor communicator, don’t just put up with it, says Meredith – being able to talk openly with your partner is a sign of a strong marriage. “Develop your skills – go to classes, read books, observe good communicators and interview them about technique, ask for feedback, practice,” she advises. “Communication skills enhance all areas of your life – home and work. Get cracking – no excuses.”
Money matters
We usually handle money in the same way as our family did, and often assume our way is best. Not so, says Meredith, who advises discussing your views on paying bills, saving and credit cards before you tie the knot. “You need to come up with the new blended way you both will do things. It’s easy to have a major joint account where you both must tell each other what you do, and a slush fund minor private account each where you can be yourself without having to justify what you spend.”
Respect and affection are deal breakers
Small gestures matter – if you want your marriage to last, keep reminding each other that you love each other and nurture your relationship with kind words. “You need to treat each other preciously – not for granted,” says Meredith. “Some people say ‘I love you’, and some people will show ‘I love you’ – make sure that your partner understands your message, and work out what you both need then try to accommodate each other.”
Adultery and jealousy are different things
No matter how hard a marriage may seem at times, and while having affair might be exciting, almost everyone involved – children included – are destined to be harmed. “Either you are in or out – never humiliate your partner by duplicity,” says Meredith. “On the other hand, if your partner is jealous, and there is no reason for this, nip it in the bud. It is not cute or sweet, it is inappropriate, and can lead to violence. Get help. See a counsellor, and explore the past and work on this.”
Make room for sex
If you and your partners libidos are matched evenly, don’t worry if sex takes a back seat on having kids. If one wants more nookie than the other, however, Meredith advises making room for sex in a busy schedule. “That might mean getting enough rest and sleep the night before, cancelling any other commitments, getting the kids minded, turning off your phones and computers, and doing nice things to each other,” she says. “Think about what the other person wants, not just what you feel like giving. So, ask them, take it in turns and take your time.” She adds that it’s perfectly normal for sex to fall off the menu when kids come into the mix. “Sometimes you just have to hang in there because one of you is dog tired. It wont be dreadful forever – but if the drought goes on for too long, seek some assistance.”
Put your marriage first
Meredith adds that having a happy marriage means being prepared to take turns with life’s stages. “You can still work towards your goals, but maybe they will take longer to achieve, because right now you choose to help your partner study for a post grad course, or delay moving interstate so they can care for their elderly father.” And, for those bored with their partner, she says slow and steady beats the highs and lows of an anxious passion anytime. “There are two aspects that glue lovers together in the long term: like and respect.”
How do you keep your relationship a healthy and happy one?
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Written by Steph Graham
The girl you want by your side during any major life event, Steph is a decorating boss and a baking Queen. You’ll usually find her getting tipsy at a bottomless brunch, playing basketball and Insta-stalking the Hemsworth brothers.
Favourite 90s rap song: No Diggity by Blackstreet
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